Not Lost
by minirix
Summary: Takes place two weeks after Chapter 2 of 'A Different Perspective'. Chuck had been acting distant towards Sarah but Sarah finally decided that she'd enough. First attempt at Charah. And first time writing angst.


**_A reviewer dared me to write a Charah centred story saying that I'm better off writing the pairing rather than my usual ones. Considering that all my stories have basically been all about Charina, so I thought why not. Let's try this once. It's nice writing something different once in a while. Whether or not I'm better at writing this pairing; I'll leave it up to the readers to decide. _**

**_This story is a missing chapter from my 'A Different Perspective' universe and it takes place two weeks after Chuck's trip to Paris with Carina (so you might want to read that first to understand what's going on here). I chose this because some of the reviewers did say that I failed to resolve certain issues between Chuck and Sarah. So that's what I'm attempting to do here. Seeing that this is my first time writing Charah, I can only hope I do the pairing justice. But if it's bad, hey, I did say I'm more suited to writing Charina didn't I? ;) Anyways, hope it's not too disappointing._**

**_Disclaimer: Chuck's not mine but I'd like to think that Charina is._**

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><p>It had been two weeks since he came back from Paris. Two weeks since they last had a decent conversation. And in that same amount of time, their relationship had gone from tense to civil at best.<p>

The details of the trip were still unclear to Sarah. Not that she was curious. Or jealous.

She was concerned. Yes, that was the word. Sarah Walker had been concerned about the well-being of one Chuck Bartowski. That was all.

Because he had come back… different. It wasn't anything drastic. He was still the same affable Chuck. Still polite, still ever willing to go the distance for his loved ones. But there was a sense of cool detachment about him.

Chuck did not get affected as easily. Nor did he smile as much. And when he did, it wasn't the full blown smile that she had grown to lo- like.

Sighing, she got back to the report and began typing on her notebook. It wasn't long before she got sidetracked again with the task at hand. Pushing herself from the desk, she muttered under her breath, folding her arms.

Across the table, Sarah watched as Shaw perused the reports, lost in whatever world he was in. The more she looked at him, the more annoyed she felt. But the annoyance was more directed at herself.

She wondered what it was exactly that she'd seen in him. Sure he was nice to look at. Good looking, nice body but he was nothing but an empty albeit pretty vase. And a very safe one.

"Anything wrong," Shaw asked, his eyes staring back at her without expression. At least that was what she could see.

"No, why?"

"You were staring."

"I'm sorry, I wasn't staring at you. I just had a lot on my mind lately." With a tight smile, Sarah stood up and strode to the stairs. She was suddenly feeling stifled being in the same room as him.

"What about dinner tonight?" he called after her just as reached the steps.

Halting at the foot of the stairs, she inhaled deeply before she turned to look at him with a shrug. "I can't tonight. I'm going out for a while, okay." That said, she quickly left the stuffy Castle and was out in no time.

In her haste, she didn't see the lanky nerd walking in the Double O as she collided right into his arms.

His hands holding the side of her arms, Chuck tilted his head in concern. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah," she flustered. She didn't know why but she could feel the heat rising to her cheeks. "Sorry, Chuck. I didn't see where I was going."

Looking to her side, she could smell the content of the food that he was carrying inside a white plastic bag. Said bag was hanging on his wrist and with every tiny swing, the scent of the sizzling shrimps wafted in the air, causing her stomach to growl.

She cleared her throat and took a step back in embarrassment. Neither spoke for a moment; both immersed in awkward silence.

"I bought two boxes. We could share," he offered.

Her cheeks grew warmer. Gosh, he heard it! Where was the hole when she needed one?

"It's okay. I'm going to get dinner anyway."

"Oh," he said, shifting his weight on one foot. Both stood there again without saying a word until Sarah broke the silence, "I thought you were going home?"

"I did but I came back to get my cellphone. You know me. I can be quite a klutz," he attempted to lighten the mood.

Sarah gazed up at him and thought to herself, she did know him but why then, did he now feel like a stranger to her? Where was her Chuck? Had she lost him already?

"I should probably go in and get my phone," he mumbled as he moved past her.

She could feel it already. Felt a part of her heart drop away as he brushed past her arm. Felt the panic seized her heart and before she knew it, the words had already tumbled out of her mouth without warning, "Did you sleep with her?"

Sarah could see him jerked his head abruptly as he stared at her in confusion, a frown mapping his eyebrow. "What?" he said.

Seeing him standing there with a questioning gaze, Sarah knew she could still get of it. She didn't need to know. She didn't have to know.

But a part of her – the irrational one - was beyond caring about holding back. So it was that part of her that soldiered on. "Did you?"

"Who? Carina?" he said, his jaw tightening. She could see his eyes darkening as he went from confusion to anger. But like a spark of fire that died too soon, so did the flame in his eyes. Shaking his head, he said, "I never asked you about Shaw, did I?" His face was already showing signs of weariness and with a quick mutter of "I'll get my phone tomorrow", he left the store.

Following him out, Sarah spoke, "You've changed, you know. Ever since you came back, you're different. It's like I don't know you anymore. You won't even talk to me."

He turned on his heels suddenly. "I was giving you space. I was trying to be cool about it. Isn't that what you want?"

"I don't need you to be cool. I need you to talk to me like you used to."

"Like I used to?" With a humourless smile, "Can we still do that?"

When did it go so wrong, Sarah thought as her shoulders slumped. Where exactly did it start?

"Sarah," he said, his voice holding none of the edge, "let's not do this. The last thing I want is to argue with you. I want to avoid that."

"How? By avoiding me?"

"No, by giving you space."

"Is that what Carina told you to do?"

There, she'd said it. She'd brought up her friend's name again. Fully expecting an outburst from him, Sarah didn't imagined that he'd do the exact opposite. As the seconds passed, Chuck eventually began to laugh quietly.

Stumped, she said, "And now he laughs."

"I didn't get it then," Chuck gave his head a little shake. "When she said: 'Let her go crazy for a while', I didn't understand what she'd meant." Looking at her now with a hint of a smile, "She knew you too well."

This time, it was her turn to walk away from him first. She hated the scrutiny; hated that he knew the emotion she'd been trying to suppress. And she hated that little red head for clueing him on it. She was going to kill Carina.

Marching towards her car, she could hear the crunching sound of gravel beneath his shoes as he followed wordlessly behind her. Even if he hadn't mentioned her barely hidden secret, she was still feeling mortified nonetheless.

When the sound of his footsteps suddenly ceased, Sarah heard him asked, "What about Shaw?"

She stopped by her car and with her back towards him, she said, "If you'd bothered talking to me, you'd have known that there is nothing between us. There hadn't been for quite some time," and she reached for the keys in her purse, opened the door and got in.

A moment later, the passenger door clicked open as Chuck slid in. "You're right. We need to talk."

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><p>It was quiet at the bluff. Over the horizon, the wispy clouds shielded the moon, lending to the gloomy atmosphere between them. The occasional gust of cold wind that drifted into her open top car didn't help lift the mood either.<p>

As she lifted her eyes up to the sky, Sarah Walker couldn't see the stars tonight. They were always there whenever she needed them. The twinkling lights had never failed to soothe her spirits and lately, Sarah Walker had found herself needing the lift more than ever.

"I've never been here before," she heard Chuck said, his voice sounding distant. "It's beautiful," he continued quietly.

There were so many things she wanted to say, so many things left to explain but the words died before they had even reached her throat. So Sarah just nodded and the silence nestled in between them once more. It stretched uncomfortably with Chuck staring straight ahead, probably refusing to add anything more to his earlier attempt at making conversation.

Sitting there in her car, Sarah knew she couldn't just leave it like that. She needed to address the huge elephant in the room; to let him know that she hadn't meant it. She didn't even know why she'd said it in the first place. But would he believe it?

"I've been coming here lately," she finally said. "Whenever I needed to get away from everything, clear my mind… this is the place I'd go to." Leaning back in her seat, she eventually turned to face him. She hoped she'd given him just enough indication regarding her state of mind. While it wasn't entirely explicit, Sarah knew Chuck was intelligent to pick up on it.

Chuck didn't respond immediately, didn't even look at her for a few agonizing seconds. Just when she started to think that he hadn't heard her, Chuck startled her by saying, "I never knew," he looked at her. "You've never told me."

Maybe he hadn't meant it that way. Or maybe she was just being too sensitive but Chuck had chosen just the exact words to hit her where it hurt. Sarah felt her heart sink to the depths of her stomach and a lump formed in her throat. Averting her eyes away to even her shaky breath, she mustered all of her will and her spy training to prevent the tears from spilling.

When she felt steady enough to speak, Sarah took a deep breath. It was now or never. "Chuck… about the name…"

"It doesn't matter anymore," he said.

It should matter, she wanted to say. It should matter to him. He had every right to feel hurt, offended and angry at her. In a way, she'd wanted him to feel all that because the reverse would be unbearable. It would mean that he didn't care. It would mean that he had moved on. But most of all, it would mean that he was over her and that frightened her more than anything. Any emotion from him would have been better than this indifference that he was displaying.

"But it matters to me," she met his eyes. She had to. He needed to see what she was going through, what she was feeling and how sorry she had been.

It must have worked because his gaze softened and he lowered his eyes momentarily before he sighed. "Sarah," he started but she cut him off. She wasn't letting him have the final say this time.

"I wish I could take it back. I know it's hard for you to believe me but I honestly didn't plan it. But it happened and everything I say will sound like an excuse but I'm sorry. I need you to know that."

The tears began to pool once more as she struggled harder this time to keep it at bay. Still she held his gaze. Even when his brown eyes started to glisten with unshed tears. Even when the raw hurt was now evident in them, she refused to look away.

It could be minutes or probably even seconds but it seemed like a lifetime had passed as they just sat there, acknowledging the hurt that they had been skirting around all these while.

When at long last Chuck whispered to her "I believe you", Sarah felt herself breathe again. The weight that she'd been carrying for the past few weeks eased off her shoulders. But when he continued that with, "Doesn't mean it didn't hurt", her eyes began to sting. She wasn't going to cry. Not in front of him. So she just nodded. It was all she was able to do that night. Nodding. Conceding. And just accepting.

"But I hurt you too," Chuck murmured after a while. "More than I probably realized. I'm sorry. Forgive me." And that finally did it.

A tear spilled without warning from her eye. And like a dam bursting, the stream of tears soon flowed relentlessly, streaking down her cheek. Still, Sarah didn't want Chuck to see it. Turning her back toward him, Sarah rested her cheek on the headrest, staring vacantly out the window.

She could feel his eyes on her; feel them imploring her silently but Sarah couldn't meet them just yet. Knowing fully what he meant, she didn't need Chuck to explain; didn't need him to elaborate either.

For a long time, they continued to sit in that fashion. It had been weeks since they had been stuck in that situation. Together but yet apart. Speaking but not communicating. But Sarah knew that this was to be the end of it. They had taken the first step to break that invisible barrier. Although they have a long way to go to till they get back to where they were, this was a start.

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><p>Having declined her offer to drive him home (and insisting she took home a box of sizzling shrimps), Chuck now stood awkwardly by her door, hands deep in his pocket. Despite that, Sarah was glad that he was now making the effort to bridge the gap.<p>

"It's been a long time since you've walked me to my front door," she smiled.

"That's what Carina said when I walked her to her front door."

The comment immediately wiped the smile from her face and she bit her lower lip as she looked away.

As if aware of his mistake, he hastily added, "It's not what you think." And when she didn't reply, he reached out, taking her hand in his. It was, Sarah realized, the first time he held her hand since the name incident. Her heart soared even by that tiny gesture.

"Sarah," he tried again. "I promise you, nothing happened between us in Paris."

"Nothing?" she stared at him curiously.

He suddenly fidgeted. "Well… she did try to attack me once at the Eiffel."

"You mean kiss?" She bristled when he pursed his lips in discomfort. "That b-"

"That best friend of yours tried and failed." Chuck interjected. "And that was that. I swear we did nothing else. We just went to Notre Dame, the Louvre, took a cruise on the Siene river, eat lots and lots of chocolates, and drink lots…"

It was impossible not to grin when he went on rambling like that. This was the Chuck she remembered; not the cool and aloof imposter masquerading as the curly haired cutie. That man had been frustrating to deal with and she hoped it was the last she'd seen of him.

"… and we have different rooms, and… you're smiling," he said with a relieved expression.

"It's hard not to," Sarah said while Chuck smiled sheepishly. "Still doesn't stop me from wanting to kill her though."

"Just make it painless," he quipped and they chuckled simultaneously.

"So what now?" she asked.

It took a full ten seconds (she counted) before he gave a reply, "Do you still like chocolate croissant?"

She nodded with an understanding smile. "I always have."

Giving her hand a tiny squeeze, he said, "I'll bring them tomorrow for breakfast." He gave her a small smile and eventually letting go of her hand, bade her goodnight.

She stood by the door watching his retreating form. Sarah waited till he rounded the corner and disappeared from view before she pushed the door close.

And when she lay in bed that night and started to feel herself drifting off to sleep, the last thing she thought of was; she hadn't lost him yet.

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><p><strong><em>Somehow, that was nerve wracking; trying to write Sarah. Hope I didn't write her too out of character. Thanks for reading :)<em>**


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